


Reluctance

by Whoops_heck



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, OT4, Sad, Third Gym (Haikyuu!!), bulimic akaashi, coping boys, rape is barely mentioned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2018-10-25 06:05:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10758249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whoops_heck/pseuds/Whoops_heck
Summary: Kuroo is coping with his less than perfect relationship. They all are. It's all too much sometimes. Sometimes it's not enough.'Their reluctance is deafening'





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Baby Bride Rag.

I remember when we were all happy. Or at least I was oblivious to your suffering. You were better at hiding it back then. It must have been easier to hide when no one was looking. We were smiling, all four of us. Watching disney movies and eating popcorn. Well you pretended to be eating it anyway.

What happened to us?

What happened to you?

Akaashi Keiji, miracle worker. Resident pretty boy and the fastest out of the four. You where happy. Muted smiles becoming brasher and giggles turned into full on laughter. Maybe it was all part of your act. To hide your suffering. But you seemed so happy then.

Now you welcome pain like a guest to dinner. As it's searing edges brand your soul and the cold sludge that is despair slides down your throat, you smile and exchange small talk. At least your eating again you tell yourself. The skin in your throat is rough with blisters so talking is limited and never mind getting out of bed. Pain has made it's home in the pit of your stomach and no matter how far you stick your fingers down your throat, you can't get it out. Suffering is etched into your very being. Dear god it is hard to watch.

I know you're suffering, everyone knows your suffering. And yet that smile that's plastered so realistically onto a face streaked with old tear stains and fading bruises has a sadness no joke or witty comment can throw off.

You were raped.

If the screams that tear through our house at night are anything to go bye.

You flinch at our touches. Even Kou's. 

The bags under your eyes are steadily growing in darkness, we don't know what to do. 

Kei clutches you tight to his chest while you sob in the nightime.

Koutarou holds your hand and keeps you steady while you shower so you don't collapse.

I cook dinner every day. Make breakfast every morning. Bring you food I know will be turned away.

I make it anyway.

Hoping one day maybe the hunger will tear through the walls you've built up.

Maybe one day the three of us will be enough for you again.

Maybe one day we'll all be happy.

Until then I'll cook my heart away. Pouring whatever I have left into inevitable leftovers that might never touch your lips.

Kei said you had some of the soup yesterday.

He said you thought it was amazing.

I broke into tears.

Kou said that when I'm gone you'll stumble into the kitchen and nibble on leftovers.

I practically broke his ribs in a bear hug.

At night I turn away from you, all of you.

I sleep on the edge of the bed so I don't have to face the misery that's become of our once perfect love story.

Four boys from three different highschools and four different universities overcome the odds and find love.

That had all gone to shit.

Akaashi doesn't eat.

Bokuto exercises as an outlet, to an unhealthy amount.

Tsukkishima thinks I can't hear him sobbing in the shower.

And I...

I welcome them all home.

I embrace them in rib cracking hugs or I cuddle them in gentle hands and warm arms.

I hold their hands.

I let them cry on my shoulder.

I cook.

Though I know no one is hungry.

Though I know it's pointless.

Though I know Kou is on a protein diet and Kei already ate and Keiji won't fucking touch it.

Though I know he didn't have any of my soup.

Though I know he doesn't nibble on leftovers.

Though I know they lied.

I love them still.

Dear god I love them. Sometime's i'm convinced Koutarou's laugh, or Kei's kisses, or Keiji being fucking alive is the only reason I get through the day. 

One day I'm scared my reasons will disappear. 

Slowly I can feel them pulling away from me. Like the gravity of a bigger brighter star has attracted their attention. Kou kissed me last when he got home. Keiji hasn't touched me in five days. Kei hasn't said I love you in a week and a half.

Their reluctance is deafening.

I wake up from nightmares I can no longer remember. My own nails digging into my skin desperate to find a foothold of calm in the sea of panic.

God I just want someone to anchor me down.

But Tsukki is busy with Keiji and Kou is probably out on a run.

It's two in the morning and I realize that maybe they don't love me anymore.

"Kuroo? You ok?"

"Yah, just gonna go get some water."

I take out a pen and write a note alongside Kou's announcing his run to anyone curious of his location.

"I'm sorry, at parents."

It's messy handwriting, I contemplate rewriting it better but think better. No time like the present so I sign it just as messily and pack a bag full of a few sweatshirts. I arrive at five am

My mom cooks.


	2. stitch us togethor again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bokuto thinks too much, Tsukkishima gets extremely mad, Akaashi gets shit done.

I hope someday I'll be good enough for them again. 

One day I'll be strong enough. 

Broad enough. 

Smart enough. 

Fit enough. 

Beautiful enough. 

Until that day i'll work to become who they want me to be, need me to be. 

'Off for a run, be back around 3.'

 My hands shaking as a write but I set the messy note on the table anyway and lace up my shoes. The sole is slowly being worn away. Every time I exercise. Everytime I push myself to the brink of exhaustion the bottom of my shoe breaks off slowly. 

Kei could probably wax something poetic out of that. I'm not too good at that kind of stuff. 

I can hear Keiji's whimpering faintly. He's ought to get bad soon. I should leave before then. As the thought passes I nearly curl in on myself as the guilt claws at aching muscles. 

Every morning I run ten miles. Every night I do the same. Come rain or shine I pound my feet against concrete, desperate to get the thoughts out of my head. 

The gym has become more familiar than Keiji's embrace. 

The smell of sweat replacing Kei's fancy American shampoo. 

Protein shakes pile up with Tetsu's leftovers in the fridge. 

I plug in my headphones and play the music the highest it will go. I'm fairly certain i'm going deaf but it's worth it to be able to ignore the thoughts running rampant in my mind. I'm pretty sure Tetsu wasn't ok tonight. 

I skip the song to a louder one, I run a little faster. 

 

Keiji hasn't looked at you all day.

 

 My calves are burning as I make a sharp turn into the park.

 

Kei didn't hug me back this morning. 

 

Stopping abruptly I yank out my headphones and sit myself down on a bench. Running my hand through hair that hadn't been gelled up in so long. It hung limply and provided a good foothold to calm down. Yanking on the strands so hard I felt as though my whole scalp would rip off. I threw my phone. 

Headphones still attached it sailed through the air and hit the corner of a fountain. A crack filled my ears but I didn't have the heart to care. 

I was on mile five.

 ----- 

The walk home was excruciating, nothing out of the ordinary. My thighs were burning and bleery eyes didn't help. I was sluggish, half asleep as I stumbled in. From a bystanders perspective I must have looked drunk. 

I nearly collapsed on the stairs up. Looking at the clock I realised my little spell of anxiety had taken more time than I anticipated. It was nearly five am when I got back. 

"Keiji? Kei? Tetsu? Anyone up?" 

I call out to a seemingly empty apartment. I listen ot the silence only for it to be broken by retching. My heart splits in two and I run to the bathroom. 

"Keiji!"

 I pull him away from the toilet dragging the hand out of his mouth. He fights slightly, elbowing me in the stomach. 

I deserve that. I wasn't here for him. 

"Keiji, it's me ok? It's me I'm right here. I'm not going to leave you." 

He sobs into my chest. 

\----- 

 

'i'm sorry, at parents -Tetsurou" 

 

\----- 

Kei punches a wall. 

"Who does he think he is? He just leaves at the crack of dawn? What the fuck is wrong with him?"

He's pacing. 

I'm staring into my coffee. 

Keiji is at therapy.

"Kei please ju-" 

"Please what? If you tell me to calm down I will snap you in half. That asshole! He just left us! So is that it? When things get tough he just runs! What an as whole.

He's scowling, picking gently at the beds of his fingers and rubbing at the bruise he got a week ago. He thinks I can't tell, I can.

 

"He's just overwhelmed." 

"Overwhelmed? I'll give you overwhelmed! You know who has to fucking deal with Keiji every god damn night? It's me! You know who can never sleep because someone's whimpering in their ear? It's me! Overwhelmed? He can suck my ass with this overwhelmed bullshit! He's a coward, that's what he is. I can't do this anymore Kou. I can't deal with him."

 I stare at him with wide eyes.

 

I don't know what to say. 

 

Silent angry tears stream down his face in pure anguish. 

"I'm sorry." 

"For what?" 

"Do you wanna go for a run?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"It helps to get my mind off... Things." 

"That's why you-"

I cut him off and only sort of feel bad.

"Do you want to or not?" 

 

"Sure." 

 

\----- 

 

A plate of delicious steamed vegetables is placed infront of me. My mother sits across in the seat opposite mine. 

"What's going on sweety?" 

"Needed some space." 

"Are you all... you know...?"

The silenced fills in the blank and I swallow down the tears welling in my eyes alongside the food on my fork.

"I don't know mom, I really don't know." 

 

\-----

Akaashi didn't go to therapy. He drove straight past the office, called using his fake nice voice saying something came up, and kept on driving until he made it to the Kuroo residency. 

He slammed the car door shut. Without any mercy or reservation Akaashi stormed in and got right in Kuroo's face. 

"You absolute asshole. You left us without any warning." 

"Aren't you supposed to be at thera-" 

"There are more important things to deal with right now, you need to come back and apologise." 

"They don't want me back." 

"That's bullshit." 

"What do you-" 

"They love you, they fucking love you so much. I love you so much. You're drifting away from us and we don't know what to do about it."

 

I was the one drifting?

 

"I can't." 

"Well you're going to have to. Pardon the intrusion Mrs. Kuroo but Tetsu has some apologies he needs to give."

Grabbing Tetsurou's hand the setter pulled him rather aggressively towards the door. Before they're fully into the car Mrs. Kuroo calls out 

"Gods job Keiji!"

\----

The car ride home is painfully silent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cooommmmmeeeennnnnttttt


	3. Fuck him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishimas internal dialogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is short and a long time coming but I hope you enjoy

I thought we had it under control.

I thought that I had everything under control.

But I don't, and I probably never did. Keiji was never under my control. No one could hold him and conform him. He was always the one to break the rules, despite what everyone assumed of him. 'Kaashi was a contradiction, a confrontation just below skin level.peel back a layer and you've got bruised knuckles and split lips. Colors marred his face but he always told us not to worry. That he would stop fighting

I thought I had it under control.

Koutarou had keiji wrapped around his finger. If bo even mentioned his fighting then Akaashi would immediately profess his apologies like thunder clapping. Desperate and loud. He needed Kou's approval. He would smear concealer on and promise everything was fine. And it would be.

Bokuto had it all under control.

And in the moments where Keiji was only getting more bruised up during these fights, when he started getting smaller, caving in on himself, losing weight, in these moments is when I truly comprehended that I was losing him. That this control I had conjured up was nothing more than a lie to keep. Simply something to put my mind at ease.

When Tetsu left that last bit of control crumbled.

"Fuck him," 

It was a sad whisper. A desperate mumble. I was completely useless. No amount of control could take this situation and flip it positively. My voice cracks and I can see Bokutos face crumble. I get nary, I get furious. I don't get sad.

I don't get sad because nothing ever mattered this much before.

"fuck him."

\----

The door opens with two pairs of footsteps and I don't think I have the patience for it. I don't think i can deal with an apology. One that doesn't mean anything. It's not real f it comes from the lips of someone who didn't even have the common decency to say goodbye. It's only been a day but I'm so broken that I don't think I can do it. Not right now. Not by myself.

I feel a large hand with calloused fingers and a scar from fishing and I know I can do it.

 

But I don't have to,

The door swings open and their stands someone I should be so mad at. I should be furious at. The one I punched a hole in the wall for. The one that made me break down and cry.

"Fuck you."

It's a whisper but he hears me

"Fuck me."

A slight smile turns the corner of my mouth.

"Fuck you!"

He returns the gesture and we both end up cursing him in increasing volume. Yelling and screaming and smiling like everything was fine.

Because everything was,

When he was there.

Without him they were incomplete.

"Don't you ever do that to me again, or I swear I'm not letting you back in this apartment."

"Deal."

He crawls into bed and the calloused fingers never left my own. Meiji tucks himself in between Bo and me. Karoo lays over all of us and we each groan that he's crushing us. But our limbs mix together, and its all warm and we all laugh. And everything falls back into place. 

"I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry I'm such an idiot. I'm sorry I didn't talk to any of you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

The picture is different now.

Our puzzle pieces pushed into place and it isn't the same. There's a difference, somewhere in the leather binding.

But I can't help but find myself enjoying the change of scenery.

Smushed with the three people who mean more to me than anything else.

I could get used to this view.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keiji takes the wheel after eighteen million years of my absence
> 
> Also this is hecka short/uneventful

I've never been one to admit when I need help. That was one of my character flaws. Too obsessed with perfection that the means by which I obtain it are irrelevant, so long as the end goal is flawless. I can't admit that something is wrong if doing so will cut me off from my fountain of youth.

So long as I remain thin as a twig no one can leave or be angry or fight. No one can tel me I messed up in fear I'm run to the toilet air a finger down my throat. 

I know I get special treatment. I cant denie how soft their edges are when it comes to me. With one another its quick biting remarks, with me its broken down sobs and silent treatment.

In their arms I am soft and frail. A daily thing to be protected. Like a flower which formed with perfection. Petals matching the apearance of a fresh layer of snow. 

If I am no longer malleable then I am no longee of any use.

Those three will get along just fine without me and the world will keep on spinning.

As we lay in bed, my hip bones protruding, I feel as soft as I can be. And I may not be able to ask for help but in moments like these I cant imagine why I would need to. 

Bo first breaks the silence, "So are we not mad anymore?"

I sigh, close my eyes, and wait for a response from one of the other two. Tsuki is silent and Tetsu has a dazed expression on his face.

 

My chapped lips part and a dull ache from a ringed fist comes to mind, "I'm not."

Its rough but it appears to have been good enough as Kuroo is sturred from his mental state and Tsuki's hand twitches on Bokutos stomach.

"Me neither." As apposed to his typical monotone way of speaking, the tall blondes voice is soothing and genuine. 

"Well then" Kuroo says, "Who's up for a pixar marathon?"

Koutarou mumbles from underneath the practical pig pile of limbs, "Can we start with Wall-e?"

Everyone agrees and the mess of limbs moves onto the couch where we wouldnt move for the rest of the night.

I have a problem admitting my faults but in these moments I know I couldn't keep a swret from them. In an open book with each page dog-eared and wrinkled with use. In a playbook studied over and over again. I have no secrets and for once In not scared to tell the truth.

———-

 

There’s tension in the air no one wants to mention. As eyes lay unfocused on the tv thoughts are elsewhere. The softness Is rough around the edges, a little forced and not quite what it used to be.

Unspoken. Thick air that shuts throats tight. Taiko is stiff where he resides on the coach and we can hear the breathing exercises swimming through his head. His exhales were even and no one wanted to question him unless something changed.

It seemed like a stale mate being smothered with tragic stories and animated come-back-kids. A white sheet draped over one another’s interactions.

Blocking from view the truth of the matter.

This wasn’t an easy one time fix. Everyone had to build up the trust we had once held without thought.

Everything was raw and fresh like an open wound. Tender and shaky but a chance to start again.

I fell asleep on the third Pixar movie, Up. Sad to see it go as my eyes slouched closed.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry all my fics are short and angsty.  
> Also comment cuz i'm desperate


End file.
